The Legend of Zelda: The Puberty Mirror
by Mr. Logan
Summary: After the events of Ocarina of Time, Link searches for his long lost friend, Navi. However, things do not go as planned, as a string of chaotic events brings Link face to face with himself. A 17 year old self.
1. The Punishment

Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda stuff. If I did, Link would have authentic personality.

_Summary: This story is an alternate version of Majora's Mask, set two years after OOT. Everyone knows that Termina is, in essence, a parallel world of Hyrule. Those who exist in Hyrule, exist in Termina. So, what about Link? As a human, he too must abide by universal laws. Therefore, theoretically, he should have a counterpart in Termina. And if so, then what would happen if Link where to meet this counterpart? A string of chaotic (and often comedic) events shall lead up to this fateful moment in Link's life, all starting with his own desperate search for his lost fairy friend, Navi._

* * *

**The Legend of Zelda: The Puberty Mirror**

**Chapter One: The Punishment**

"pant…pant…pant….that was….incredible…"

Links' mighty blade glistened against the little light that crept into the forest. He tilted the kokori sword downward, allowing a particularly attractive gleam to travel along the edges. His face formed a triumphant smirk; this moment, like many moments before, made his battles worthwhile.

The young Hylian twirled the blade stylishly back into the sheath. His eyes narrowed slightly in a frustrated disappointment. No matter how many battles he came across, no matter how much blood he shed, he was still no closer to finding his dear friend.

" I don't know how much more of this I can take," Link remarked to himself, as he loaded up his recovered equpment onto Epona. Three stalchildren thought it would be entertaining to steal a few bombs from the rear saddle bag while Link was busy...taking care of some business. Naturally, Link's keen senses overpowered the Stalchildren's rather poor display of sleath, which simply resulted in a massive ass kicking for the poor skeletons.

Link finished off two of the stalchildren with a single swipe through their frail necks, the third one, however, managed to escape. Though Link intentionally let this advesary flee, he soon felt a little regret. He could of gathered some information on Navi's whereabouts. Of course, that's assuming that the Stalchild is a resident to this section of the lost woods.

"Damn it…there I go again, thinking too much …UGH…" Link clutched he right shoulder as it pulsated in pain. It was either the result of too much swordplay, too much heavy lifting, or simply both. Signs looked grim: Link wouldn't be able to confidently continue with his journey for too much longer.

He ignored the pain and situated himself atop Epona's back. With a gentle kick to the horse's side, Epona broke in a light trot as the two of them carried on deeper into the Lost Woods. It took some serious thought, but Link finally decided to continue this quest for two more days; if he came back with nothing, then that was it. It would be better to quit than to continue onward in his current state. Zelda would kill him if he came back dead.

Link snickered lightly at the idiotic contradiction of his last thought. Stuff of this sort seemed to amuse him, which often explained his trouble with keeping the girls around. Of course, twelve-year-old boys have no business in romance.

Well…NORMAL twelve-year-old boys don't. As the Hero of Lov-uh….Time, Link should be obliged to certain perks. Perhaps V.I.P. entrance to the Castle Town Milk Bar, or something along those lines.

As Links' mind buzzed with these increasingly exciting dreams, he failed to notice two pair of eyes staring at him from within the tree branches…

* * *

"…that's him Sis! The stalchild was right!" Said the first glowing ball with wings. 

" So it is, Tael. We better go tell Skull Kid. Knowing him, I'm sure he would like to get his hands on that kid's stupid hat," replied the other winged ball.

"Though he would never admit it."

"Right. Come on! Let us hurry Tael!"

"Wait sis….what the…wha-…what the heck is he doing?" Asked the purple ball as he stared at Hero of Time with sheer bafflement.

"Doing what Tae-oh my god, cover your eyes Tael!"

Sure enough, the Hero of Time was making strange motions with his hands that were…suggestive, to say the least. These actions corresponded with his face as it made smooching motions to an unseen entity. It looked as if he was doing foreplay with a ghost, and a poor job at that. A really poor job. Of course, twelve-year-old boys normally don't express their sexual thoughts through pantomime.

"Has he no shame? You know, I bet he was raised by perverts in some backwater village. Come to think of it, I have heard rumor that Hylians have really weird sexual customs compared to fairi-keep your eyes closed Tael, he's not done yet."

The mischievous Tael promptly obeyed his sister as he clasped his hands over his eyes…with just enough space to peek through.

Now the young Hylian had his hands positioned frontward, as he motioned his waist back and forth; his eyes whimsically closed during the course of the gesture.

"Ok…maybe he's just wiping the saddle with his tunic…oh, nope. THAT'S not wiping. Geez, I wonder how long he could go on like this. You'd think he would be more on guard in place like this. Heh…he really is just a boy like you Tae-FOR GOD'S SAKE TAEL, KEEP THOSE EYES CLOSED BEFORE I STAPLE THEM SHUT!"

"ah come on Tatl! I mean, it's really not as bad as it looks!" Tael suggested, trying to put some good into the hero's actions. He then blushed slightly and mumbled, " I mean…I do the same thing from time to time, and you don't seem to care.."

Tatl stared wide-eyed at her young brother with a mixture of both shock and disgust.

"YOU'RE A GLOWING PUPLE BALL! How the hell am I supposed to know what you are doing inside there!?...not that I really want to know..." she added with a grumble.

"I don't know…we are magic, so I figured we could actually see each other…" he mumbled.

"Can you see me then?! During your entire lifetime, have you ever seen me through this weird pink glow?!"

"….."

"Exactly!! Oh, and look! And the hero is finally done! so let's just drop the subject, and report back to Skull Kid. Alright?"

"….kay." Tael replied, his eyes drooped in defeat.

* * *

"whoa! Lost myself for a moment…gotta be more careful." 

Although the thought of all those young, voluptuous women at the milk bar was pleasing, Link needed to keep his guard up as long he was traveling through this forsaken wilderness. Anything could happen, and he was not ready to die yet. There were too many people counting on Link, and he did not want to bear the weight of their sorrow in the afterlife. Besides, the Milk Bar Maiden's weren't all THAT voluptuous. Sure, they had seductive curves that could win over any man, as well as a graceful strut that literally summoned your eyes to their bodies. Man…they sure did look good in those gowns, especially as their hips swayed back and forth gently against the clinging fabric. And oh boy…did they know how to smile at a man. You instantly became the most popular guy in the whole tavern if one those beauties should flash you a tiny smile. Not to mention their well-endowed brea-

"DAMN IT! Stay focused!" Link gave his face a couple of firm smacks as punishment for his wandering mind. The effects seemed to work. After all, he was no longer thinking about young girls kissing him gently in places he could only imag-

"Focused!Focused!Focused!Focused!" The self-applying smacks barraged his face as he yelled a seemingly effective mantra.

Half an hour later, his face was still stinging from the punishment. He whined a little at the thought of having to apply the punishment every time his mind trailed off elswhere; but if he didn't do this, then he would surely be killed from a surprise attack someday. With a new wave of determination overtaking him, Link narrowed his eyes forward, as if staring only into the future and little else.

With a swift kick to Epona's side, she broke into a full out run. The misty air rushed past Link's face as the massive trees trailed behind him, one right after another. He could hear the pounding of Epona's hooves into the soft earth, as if pushing the forest itself behind Link and his faithful companion. He could smell the fresh scent of dew on the towering leaves as he flew past. He could feel his heart pound with that uncaring excitement that overtook most young boys his age.

This was adventure. That was the feeling right now.

"Hang in there Navi…I'll find you. Then we can all live together happily. You…me…Talon…Ingo….Malon…"

Link throat closed suddenly. He hated this feeling; the thoughts of those he had left behind. And all for what? A quest in the name of satisfying his own selfish needs. After all, Hyrule needed him. The Royal family needed him. The ranch needed him. And perhaps…

Link shook his head. "…I can't go on worrying about this…not after beginning this selfish quest. What good would that do for Navi?"

Link paused momentarily, allowing the thoughts to settle firmly within his mind.

"Right. This is for Navi; for her happiness. Alright Epona! Let's do thi-SMACK!"

Leaving as quickly as it came, Link's determination broke when a weird, glowing thing crashed into his face. The resulting blow tossed Link off his saddle and onto the soft ground.

He remained flat on his back and motionless as the object relentlessly stayed glued to his face. It was a whole two minutes before he authentically reacted.

"…som ofm a bif….." Link muttered. With a vicious force, he yanked the projectile off of his face and tossed it away. He staggered to his feet and scanned the area around him, his eyes raging with…well…rage. He drew his sword from it's sheath while planting his feet into the ground, half expecting some odd creature to leap upon him at any moment.

Besides all else, Link did have a strong feeling that someone was watching him.

"Come out devil…don't think I'll go easy on you for throwing that ball at me. Although I'll have to commend your aim; it's pretty tough to actually hit a target's face while it is on a horse galloping at full speed. Come to think of it, it's even harder to do with arrows, and I think I have successfully done that bef-FOCUSED!"

Link abruptly dropped his sword and applied to himself the punishment. He winced from the pain slightly, but ultimately ignored it as he reached for his blade. He was into a full crouch onto the ground, his hands not even clutched onto the blade's hilt…

…when he felt a sharp breathing on the back of neck.

"Oh crap."

Link retrieved the blade, holding it firmly in his grasp as he spun around and arched the shield in front of his body. His eyes widened in apprehension as he assessed the strength of his enemy. A cold sweat drop trickled down the side of face.

There he was, face to face…with the glowing orb that struck his boyish visage. While in his rage earlier, he failed to notice that the glowing ball, in fact, had wings; furthermore, it was floating in mid-air…a characteristic that followed most of the fairies in Hyrule.

Then the ball spoke.

"HEY! Who are you calling a glowing ball, you creepy little gnome?!"

Link could recognize that annoying 'HEY!' from at least a field's length away. He heard it many times on his quest to save the kingdom of Hyrule, and he had to admit, it didn't get much better the more she said it. On one occasion, he had nearly murdered her with a glass bottle because she wouldn't stop saying that ungodly catch phrase of hers.

Regradless, he recognized this fairy...

"Navi?! is that you Navi?!" Link lowered his sword and shield slightly.

"…Link?" Navi's purpled aura flashed into a light pink for a brief second, as if it were a sign of surprise.

"Oh crap, it _is_ you Navi! Thank god….I'm glad…"Link's euphoria had driven him to the point of tears. After all, twelve-year-old boys can sometimes be prone to crying in extreme situations.

Of course, no one could really blame Link for his happiness; his quest was finished, and Navi and him could finally go home.

"Link…what are you doing here?" Navi asked.

Link felt slight unease, "I was looking for you Navi! Jeez…you'd think you would be as happy to see me as I am to see you…"

He gave his fairy friend a confused look as he scratched his right shoulder with the hilt of the Kokori sword.

"No, don't get me wrong Link! It's…um…great to see you too, but why would you want to look for me in the first place?"

Link's confused expression instantly changed into dumbstruck, "So I can take you back home where you belong, of course! Everyone is waiting for you back there, Navi! The Kokoris, Princess Zelda, everyone at the Ranch, Malon…"

Link's face went into a light blush for a moment, "They are all worried sick about you, Navi! You need to come home…then we can all be hap-"

"I'm not going."

"…wha-?"

"I said, I'm not going Link."

"…wha-? Oh come on Navi, I don't think anyone would give you any crap for running off. They would be overjoyed just to see you are alive and well."

"Link..."

"Besides, even if they do give you crap later, I'll be there to back you up. I'm your best buddy after all."

Navi gave out a heavy sigh. This was gonna be hard on him, but it was the only way.

"Link, listen to me. I. Am. Not. Your. Friend."

"oh come on, what are you talking abo-"

"Here me out, Link. Let's be reasonable here. At what point in our journey did we actually reach out to each other's heart? I think we made it as far as 'Hello, my name is Navi/Link! Nice to meet you!'. Hell, I don't even think you introduced yourself to me at all. All you did was nod. Come on Link, I don't think we can be considered true friends; we would barely be considered acquaintances. Maybe coworkers."

"Co..workers?" Link uttered, his throat slightly clinched.

"Which brings me to my next point. I never chose to be your fairy, Link...no offense. I was actually contracted by the Great Deku Tree to be your partner. The deal was, I provided you with advice, guidance, blah..blah..blah….and in return, he would pay me a hefty sum of 500 rupees. Of course, he ended up dying right after I took the job. Rotten bastard. I hope he becomes compost in hell. Anyway, as you probably remember, before he died he did mention something about a great evil approaching Hyrule. That tree may be a cheapskate, but he has an uncanny ability to be right about everything. Therefore, I decided to forget the cash, and assisted you on your quest out of moral obligation. That's all."

It's kind of hard to describe Link's face at this point, but it defintiely expressed shock to say the least.

"Navi, are you saying that all the battles we fought, all the horrors we faced, didn't somehow bring us closer?" Link desperately whined.

"…You can't get too far without talking Link. Let's face it…throughout that entire journey together, you didn't say a single word to me or anybody. Hell, the most we got out of you was a firm nod or a noncommittal smile."

Link couldn't take so much at once. His knees gave away as he fell to the ground, sword and shield plopping by his sides.

He couldn't believe it…his quest…he had failed. Navi wasn't going to coming home, and everyone would be…

"…please come back Navi…everyone is so worried about you…"

"Don't you mean, everyone is so worried about _you_, Link?"

"….wha?" Link repeated. If he kept up stupid remarks of this sort, he would have to apply the punishment.

"sigh….don't you ever stop for a moment, and think logically Link? What am I saying...I had to follow you through an entire quest while simultaneously telling you what to do. Think back Link; I have never touched _anyone's_ life in Hyrule. To the kokoris, to Princess Zelda, to everyone at the ranch, to _Malon_…"

Navi purposely stressed the previous name, in an attempt to see that blush creep across Link's goofy face. It worked.

"… to everyone in Hyrule, I am just that weird glowing thing that followed the Hero of Time. Don't get me wrong though, I really don't mind. I like my privacy. But even so, one needs money to live. Trust me, you ain't the first hero I bossed around. And these are good heroes I'm talking about."

"Alright…alright…I get it." Link exclaimed out of frustration. Maybe she was right; maybe things would be better without her annoying personality.

Link stood up out of the grass, and faced Navi, "I guess I have no choice but to leave you then. Still…everyone will be pretty sad once they find out my quest was a failure."

"I'm sure they'll find a way to live with that Link. Trust me…once you get back, they'll just be happy to see you have returned safely."

Link firmly nodded, "You're right Navi. Thank you so much for telling me the truth."

Navi sighed, "yeah…yeah….you're welcome…"

"Um…am I interrupting something?"

* * *

Link and Navi quickly turned their heads towards the voice. A shadowy figure could be seen through the thin mist that seemed to spread throughout much of the woods. 

"Sorry to bother you…but I've been standing here the whole time you guys were chit-chating. Thought I should make my presence known to you."

Link readied his sword and shield," who are you? And what do you want?"

"….what do I want?"

the shadow in the mist approached slowly at Link, it's figure becoming clearer with each step. Soon, it's silhouette took shape. In essence, it appeared to be a puppet with a pointy face. Link increased his guard by taking a battle stance, his sword ready to thrust into the creature's heart.

Navi, on the other hand….

"Well, see you later hero. Call me if you ever need to be bossed around."

In less than a second, Navi disappeared into the balcony of the forest, a trial of dust following closely behind her.

"HEY!" Link yelled in a voice that resembled Navi's, all while swinging his sword wildly into the air, "come back here you cowardly wench! At least tell me what this guy's weak point is!"

"You shouldn't let your guard down kid."

Link tilted his head down, which brought him face to face with a pair of murderous eyes. Link's heart skipped a beat; the eyes were bug-like: large with tiny pupils accompanying each eyeball. It was like staring into the eyes of a praying mantis.

Luckily, Link shook off this shock quickly, and leaped back before the creature had any chance to strike. He took his stance again: shield in front of his body, sword ready to stab.

The weird creature laughed, " jeez kid, you're easy. I'm surprised if you can keep a guard up while taking a piss. After all, twelve-year-old boys are easily distracted."

Link frowned, a trace of fury glistening in his young eyes, "Just answer my question: who are you and what do you want?"

"Isn't that two questions?"

"who cares?! Just do it."

Link suddenly realized that he had clear image of his enemy. It was a stalky figure, very much resembling a puppet. In fact, unless Link was mistaken, his entire body seemd to be made of wood. On top of that, the puppet creatures clothing appeared to made completely out of leaves; assorted leaves from both the Spring and Fall, which were delicately stitched together to form a beautiful pattern. On his head, sat a tall, wide hat made of straw and red leaves. The only thing about this puppet-like figure that didn't match, was the strange mask covering it's face. The mask seemed festive in appearance, but dark in nature. It had a dark purple finish with yellow & green spikes along the sides. Strange designs covered the mask, almost suggesting ritual use. Then there were the eyes…the yellow murderous eyes that seemed to stare straight through Link.

The puppet crept forward.

"…most folk call me the Skull Kid…"

He was closing in at about three feet. Link blade twitched with excitement.

"…and all I want…."

He was less than two feet away; Link assessed that an attack from the right side would be the most effective. He prepared his strike.

"…is that bad-ass green hat."

PLOP.

Link's initiative was thwarted, as he face-planted into the forest ground. With his sword still outstretched and his body stuck into the dirt, Link laid motionless for the second time that day.

Then two others showed up next to Skull Kid's side.

"oooh!!! You found him Skull Kid! See? Didn't I tell you that was a neat hat?" Tael rambled eagerly.

"Yeah…it is." Skull Kid agreed.

"hmph. Neat hat or not, I still think he's a complete pervert." Tatl added.

"Yeah…he probably is."

Link's head emerged from the ground, covered in dirt and sweat. His face fumed with anger.

"Who the hell are you calling a pervert, Tinkerbell?! I haven't even met you before!"

"But I have seen _you_ before," Tatl retaliated with an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, "Don't you remember the 'dancing' you did on your horse earlier?"

"Dancing? What the hell are you talking abo…." Link stopped mid-sentence as the realization hit him like a lead brick. His face paled as a strong blush simultaneously crept along his face, "Oh yeah….'dancing'…now I remember…"

"Hah! How could you forget? YOU were doing it! I only watched, and I still remembered all of the…well…..you know…."

Link assumed that the fairy was imitiating one of his many crude 'dance techniques'; thankfully, he couldn't really quite see past the purple aura to tell.

"Yeah, Yeah...I remember, Okay?! Link shouted at the fairy girl, "But I didn't think anyone was actually watching, so give me a break will ya?"

"Once again, zero guard." Skull Kid added with a nod.

"You shut up! And no, I'm not giving up this hat!"

"Why not? I think it looks better on me."

"Better on you? No way! Come on, it matches my green pants! Well…there aren't really pants. It's more like a toga I guess. Wait, come to think of it, I do wear these shorts underneath, so it could probably be considered a really long shirt. Then again, the belt makes it look like a skir-FOCUSED!"

And with that, a hearty slap struck Link's face once again.

"Can I try that?" Tael asked innocently.

"On your own face, sure." Link muttered darkly as he rubbed his stinging cheek.

"kay."

"Hey! No one said you could push around my little brother! Listen kid, I think you're really starting to piss off Skull Kid, so it would be in your best interest if you just coughed up the dorky elf hat. If you don't, you're in a for a living hel-TAEL, WOULD YOU STOP HITTING YOURSELF FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"

"I think it's amusing." Skull Kid commented.

"Come on Skull kid! Back me up here…" Tatl pleaded.

"Right, Right…." Skull ceased snickering at the masochistic fairy child and faced Link with a hardy stance, "She's right kid. We can make you hurt. A lot. And I ain' t just talking about you. First, I think we would start by torturing your relatives, or those who are equally important to you. Oh, and we wouldn't let them die…oh no….we want them alive long enough so that they start blaming you, the Hero of Time, for their deaths. And we wouldn't stop there; next would probably be your lover. Heh…I can't even begin to describe the ways we could have fun with her. Then, I think we would finally hunt you down kid. The course of your death would last for a few days at least; it depends solely upon the person. But I digress…the point is, we can bring hell to you swiftly and savagely, _if_ you don't give in to our demands."

"….all you want is my hat?"

"Yes. I ain't gonna mix words."

" No way."

"Seriously?...Even if I slapped your grandmother with frozen steaks?"

"still no."

"That's harsh. Anyway, I'm all out of bluffs..." Skull kid turned from Link and strolled a few feet away, "…so let's go fairies. He could keep the gnome gear for all I care."

"Glad you see it my way," Link smirked as he sheathed his sword and shield.

"…But I'm taking the horse."

Link went wide-eyed as Epona let a sudden whinny. He had no idea how it was done, but Skull kid somehow managed to jump over Link and onto the horse; all in less than two seconds. Skull Kid clicked his wooden heels against the horse's side, causing Epona to dart into the sea of trees.

Link broke into a sprint, as if hoping to actually catch up with him. His body soon proved him wrong, as Link's speed drastically decreased several yards later. He took in large breaths of air as his legs came to a complete stop.

"Damn it…" Link mumbled, his body still recovering oxygen. He couldn't do much now, except watch Epona disappear into the fog. He could try to make a steady trek in the direction Skull Kid escaped, but even then, his chances of catching up to them were horribly slim.

He may have found his lost friend, but he lost his horse in return.

"Damn it all…"

His eyes began to form tears. Here he thought that he could finally go back home; back to a place where he knew everything was alright. That was all he wanted right now. He wanted to go back to the ranch, and help Talon with the chickens. Maybe play one round of the old man's stupid "find the chicken" game. It was far from fun, but Talon would often offer his daughter's hand in marriage if Link won. It was joke, of course, but it gave Link some incentive to keep on trying. And apart from all else, Link wanted nothing more then to see that very special girl he tried so hard to impress.

"Malon…"

"Who's that? Another one of your perverted fantasies?"

"No, she's…just a girl I left beh-GAHHHH!!" Link let out a piercing shriek. Regardless of being the Hero of Time, he was still quite easy to startle.

Tatl hovered above his head, either unaware of Skull Kid's escape or simply deserted. Link stood straight up and watched the fairy as she danced in the air.

"…Whatever. Listen kid, this is kind of embarrassing for me to say, but...I got left behind too."

"No way. What about that younger brother of yours?"

"Tael? I think he was in one of your saddle bags."

"…Doing what?"

" I don't know! Probably looking for candy or running with scissors or whatever it is kids do, but that's not the point! Listen, I know where Skull kid is headed, but I can't get there by myself. If we partner up, then I'm certain we could find Skull Kid and your horse. Whaddaya say hero? sound like a good deal?"

"Piss off."

"Great! then I suggest we follow these footprin-...what did you say?"

"I'm through with fairies. I'll find my own way there, thank you very much. So...goodbye, and I hope you die in a glass bottle. I'm outta here."

Link stalked off into the misty forest, leaving behind a seriously angry fairy. He had no idea what came over him, but it probably had something to do with him growing up.One thing was for certian: it was just gonna keep on getting weirder from this point on. He had a feeling he would eventually find Epona, but he also felt he would find something that would change his life; something that would bring him another step closer to manhood.

After all, twelve-year-old boys normally do learn life lessons the hard way.

* * *

**A/N: And so ends the first chapter in Link's journey. I don't know if this is as humorous as I intended it be, but yeah...whatever. Hope you guys liked it.**


	2. Bushy

Hey yo. It's been a long, long while, but I felt it was time to get back into some writing. Sadly, this lovely little chapter was already written about 4 months ago, but I never found the heart to edit and post it.

But now, the time has come (the proverbial walrus said) to finally post it. I hope you enjoy this short, terribly paced, eccentric Hyrulian comedy!

* * *

Chapter 2: Bushy

"So…you use that for sledding?"

"Huh?"

"The shield. I mean, look at that thing; it's as big as you are."

Link frowned slightly, "hell no! I use it in battle! I mean, sure…at first I couldn't use it, but after a couple of years I got the hang of it…"

"I see." Tatl replied.

"Well, I do use it for other things too. It makes a great table when on the road, it's handy when it rains…"

"uh huh, uh huh…"

"oh! And its perfect for crowd control at the sweets shop. Heh heh…stupid kids never knew what hit 'em…" Link chuckled sinisterly.

"What the-?! What kind of hero are you, hurting kids with that thing?!"

"Hey, I don't bash them with it okay? I just kinda….push them," Link explained.

"That makes it okay?!"

"it ain't my fault if they always fall on the shelf with glass bottles…" Link muttered, totally oblivious to the angry glowing ball.

"HEY! Shut and listen, won't you?! I'm trying to tell you that what you're doing is wrong! People suffer because of you!"

Link poked a finger in his ear and began cleaning it, "So the kids don't get candy for a day, big deal…'

"..AND end up hospitalized! Besides, you're a child too," Tatl retorted.

"THANK YOU." Link replied sarcastically, "who do you think you are anyway? Sheesh, you sound just like Navi…"

"Who?"

"…No one, forget it."

He couldn't recall when he and Tatl started talking, but somewhere along the way, the two of them made an unspoken pact to work together. For one, Tatl couldn't get around some places without a large human-like being; and two, Link had no idea where he was going. They needed each other, whether they liked it or not (most likely the latter…).

Regardless, Link began feeling nostalgic when among his new fairy companion. It has been a long time since Link had a bossy imp around.

"Where are we anyway?"

"…are you stupid or something? Didn't I already tell you?" Tatl asked in exhaustion.

"No, and Yes," Link replied.

"Well then stupid, right now we are on the edge of the Skull Kid's world. Keep a close eye on your surroundings; you never know when you want to return here."

"Nah. Never. Once I get Epona back, it's back to Hyrule forever. Screw adventuring." Link vowed solemnly.

"Excuse me stupid?! If you want people to stop treating you like a kid, then show some responsibility."

Link sighed, "jeez…you really are just like Navi. A little bitchier, but you have the same nagger attitude."

"Yeah, well you're just a foul-mouthed, perverted brat who can't seem to listen to reason!" Tatl retorted spitefully.

Before Link had a chance to respond, he noticed that they were standing in front of a large, dead tree. Near the top of the trunk, there was a large hollow, like an entrance to a spider's lair.

"Ah! We're here. Let's go." Tatl said quickly in hopes of changing the subject.

"Wait, wait…what is 'here'?" Link asked. Tatl hadn't known Link for very long, but she could detect a hint of fear in his voice.

Tatl smiled mischievously, "It's a deep dark scary cave with tons of death around every corner."

"Oh wow. How does your little brother manage to get through that?" Link asked with genuine surprise.

"I was joking moron. All the same, be careful. You never know what could happen."

"Aw, come on. How bad can it be?"

* * *

**Some time later, in a dark cave**

"How bad can it be, I said. HOW BAD CAN IT BE, I SAID! What the hell was I thinking?!" Link whined.

He took his time walking, since the bruises needed to heal. Being a warrior, he was used to walking with wounds, but the emotional scars still hurt. Really hurt.

You see…Link fell into the worst trap of all: a cliché.

"It was RIGHT THERE and I didn't see it! How can I call myself a hero after that?!"

"Oh quit your pouting. It could happen to anyone."

"Yeah, but it was a BAD cliché! I could have said a less dangerous cliché like, 'I got a bad feeling about this' or something…"

"Be thankful you're still alive. I've seen fairies get hit by worse clichés. At least you didn't say something like, 'how hungry could that frog be?' or 'Maybe it's staring at me and licking its lips because it likes me.'"

"That's true. Or something like, "boy, deku scrubs have it easy. Too bad I'll never be one."

"That's a jinx, not a cliché."

"Hellooooooo! Did I hear someone say 'deku scrub'?"

Link spun around and came face to face with a large piece of wood who looked like it was ready to kiss him; a common characteristic of your typical deku scrub.

Link stared at the scrub for a few moments.

"Okay, so is THIS a cliché?," He asked Tatl while pointing at the Deku Scrub.

"I guess. Could be irony too." Tatl gave a motion that could possibly be shoulders shrugging.

"Never Minnnnnddd that friends!" The scrub replied with an overly jovial tone, "please allow me to introduce yourself: my name is Bushworth Van Maple the III. You maayyyy have heard of me, no?"

Tatl interrupted Link before he had a chance to exclaim how cliché the Scrubs name sounded, "No, can't say that I have. Are you part of the Deku Royal Family?"

"Alassssssss, no. However, My father is a butler of the family, annndddd close friend to the king I might add," Bushworth added with pride.

Upon further inspection, Bushworth appeared to be nothing more than an average deku scrub. He had the short stature, the hollow eyes, wooden skin, and the mouth that went 'ooooo'. About the only thing different with him was his leaf hair; rather than growing it long like most Scrubs, this one left his remarkably short. His hair was nothing more than a small tuft of leaves on the tip of his head, like a bush.

"You look like a regular scrub to me," Link replied bluntly.

"Pleeeaassseee do not be fooled by appearance. I assure you that I have some quite amazing abilities."

"Whatever."

"But I digresssss. Boy, how is it that you could see in this unholy darkness?"

"It's the fairy," Link explained while pointing at the glowing Tatl.

"Oooooh, I see! My apologies, it's so obvious to me now that the glow of this magnificent fairy is enough to illuminate the darkest dungeon…" Bushworth rambled. Link couldn't really tell, but it appeared that Tatl was blushing from the remark.

"Yeah, I guess…if you're brave enough to put up with the bitchiness," Link added sarcastically.

Tatl's blush suddenly faded, "Excuse me shrimp?!"

"Friends, Friends, Pleeeeeasssseee!! Stop this quarreling and allow me to explain my situation. You see, despite my standing and remarkable skills, I am terribly prone to bad luck and curses. And while traveling through these caves, I stumbled upon a cliché and broke my lantern. A terrible stroke of luck I know; so, having spent the last three hours wandering through these caverns, I've become desperately cold and hungry. When lo and behold: a light I see! I followed the light of this savior fairy, and here I am standing before you."

"So you want…. a hug?" Link asked, apparently confused.

Bushworth clutched his sides, "OH HOH HOH!! Excellent jest lad, good show! But no, my point is that you could lead me out of this God awful cave before I meet a terrible fate."

Tatl and Link exchanged glances.

"I see…."

"Right…"

In an instant, the boy and his fairy spun away from the scrub. They huddled close together and spoke in hushed voices.

"What do think, Link?"

"I hate him. Especially the way he talks. He's all pouncy…and the way he over-pronounces random words is really annoying…" Link criticized.

"But he seems harmless. Maybe we should take him with us…"

"Hell no. You just want to help him because he's your suck-up."

"Not true! I think he's insufferable too, but….listen, the least we can do is ask why he's here in the first place."

"sigh…fair enough."

The duo spun towards the scrub, both feigning smiles.

"Right…um…what's your name again?" Link asked awkwardly.

"Whhhyyyy it's Bushworth Van Maple the-,"

"Right. I got it. Listen Bushy, where are you headed?"

"Whhhyyyy to meet the Hero of Time of course!"

"…Come again?"

"Ohhhhhhh come now lad; surely you've heard of the Hero of Time? He is quite popular among us Deku Scrubs. Or at least…his stories are."

"You mean, no one in the Termnian Deku Kingdom has actually met him before?" Tatl asked innocently, giving quick glances at Link who was apparently speechless.

"Alaaaaasssss, no. None of our kind has never even seen the chap. Therefore, I felt it was my duty, on behalf of the Deku Kingdom, to bear witness to the real Hero of Time."

"Thatsstupidyourewastingyourtime," Link spoke suddenly, his words a garbled mess.

"How do you knonw what he looks like if you've never seen him before?" Tatl inquired.

"Welllllll, I remember the descriptions in the ancient stories. He is said to be very young, quite handsome, is clothed in green fairy garb, and wields a sword & shield. You know lad…if it weren't so ghastly dim in here, I would swear you were the hero told in the legends…"

"No! no! no! no! no! you got it all wrong, Bushy. That is not the Hero of Time." Link spat out desperately.

"Eeeegaaaddd! You don't say? How is it that you know of this?"

"Trust me, I know. I'm Hyrulian. The guy you're talking about is the Hero of…. Cheese."

"Hero of…. Cheese?" Bushy blinked in disbelief.

"Yes. Most definitely the Hero of Cheese," Link confirmed.

"You jest me lad. Why must dairy products need a warrior?"

"Think about it Bushy. Who do you think it responsible for cutting the cheese?" Link asked, improvising as best as he could.

The scrub began scratching the top of his puffy hair, "I haven't the faintest."

"Well someone has to do it. The dairy farmer can't do it because he's too busy chasing away the men that sleep with his daughters. The shopkeeper can't do it because he is drunk all the time. Someone has to help out these poor, innocent people with their non chopped cheddar blocks, and that's the Hero of Cheese: the greatest cheese cutter of them all. He uses his sword not for fighting, but for slicing! He uses his shield not for blocking, but as a table. It's perfectly logical Bushy."

"Indeed…" Bushy added with a degree of skepticism.

"I understand Bushy; it's a lot to take, but you shouldn't worry. There IS a Hero of Time, and I happen to know where he is." Link spoke confidently.

"You do?" Bushy and Tatl asked simultaneously.

"Yes. Just so happens that, today of all days, he is in…the…um…place you just came from."

"Byyyyyyyy Gods! The hero is in Termina?"

"Yes. His skin looks like wood, wears a large straw hat and a brightly colored mask. You shouldn't have trouble finding him." Link added with a smile.

"wood…hat…mask….my goodness, our stories were mistaken indeed! No worries dear lad; I shall inform the rest of the kingdom of this misunderstanding AFTER I meet with the hero himself."

"Sounds good."

"Thank yooooooou Lad! I should be able to find my way back from here. And fear not! The future is safe in my hands!" Bushy boasted.

"Go get 'em Bushy." Link cheered unenthusiastically.

"Well met boy! Onward hooooooooo!!"

And with that, Bushworth charged back into the impending darkness of the cave. Within seconds, Tatl was flying around Link's face.

"…What are you playing at now, stupid?! Do you have any idea what Skull Kid could do to him?!"

"Come to think of it, Bushy did say something about being easily prone to curses…" Link stated while in thought.

"That's right! So don't you think what you did was WRONG somehow?" Tatl complained.

"Nah. All that matters now is that he's out of our hair. Let's keep moving."

"…You're supposed to be the Hero of Time. Shouldn't you act like one and…I dunno…HELP people.'

"That's true my little fairy friend," Link confessed in a matter-of-fact tone, "BUT, now I could be wrong about this, a deku scrub is not a person. Therefore, I can thoroughly and confidently say: 'screw him.'"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!!" Tatl shrieked out of frustration.

"Okay, okay calm down..." Link waved his hands cautiously, "If it makes you feel better, I do feel bad for the Deku Kingdom."

"Really Link?!" Tatl asked excitedly, a small gleam of hope in her eyes.

"…because they have to put up with that annoying twat of a bush."

THUD

Tatl fell to the ground with a heavy, heavy sigh.

"I give up…there is no love in your heart." She said weakly as tears of defeat rolled down her cheek.

…_I wouldn't say that_. Link thought to himself.

Tatl, amused by the look of thoughtfulness that appeared in Link's eyes, gave him a firm nudge on the shoulder.

"HEY!!," Link cringed at the sound of that all too annoying catch phrase.

"What'cha thinking about there?" Tatl asked, the small glow of hope slowly returning to her eyes.

Link stood silent for a moment, but simply smiled and shook his head.

"Nothing. Let's get out of here, fast. I could go for some cheese."

* * *

A/N: Yeah I know….this story hasn't really gotten anywhere yet with the plot, but please bear with me: it does go beyond that pointless, Mel Brooks like comedy into a more, meaningful Mel Brooks like comedy. Like, History of the World Part 1 into Blazing Saddles. Or how milk becomes cheese. Well…not really. Ok, but one thing is for certain: I'm obsessed with the concept of cheese.

Anyway, if you have fingers, please type up a review! If you don't, no offense intended. However, that does not excuse you from your reviewing responsibilities; you got to this website without appendages somehow!

So until next chapter (whenever that may be), take care!

Mr. Logan


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